Pop Quiz: What game takes a stick and shoves it up Grand Theft Auto's ass until they like it?
Yep, I'm reusing my preview from E3. And no, I don't really care what you think. I had the chance to play Saints Row The Third for six hours, so I'll make a few touch-ups here and there. But my preview was awesome, and now it will just be more awesome. Much like what Saints Row The Third is to Saints Row 2—more ridiculousness, more irreverence, and more fun.
So if you answered "Saints Row" to that opening question, then congratulations, you just won. If you answered "Gay Tony", do not pass Go, do not collect $200. Okay, fine, we'll give you the money, as long as you spend it on a long, rubbery, purple dildo called The Penetrator so you can whack grandmothers on the street. What can I say? They love it in the face. All over. Until it's red. Or blue, depending on the position.
How dare you, Nick?! That's disgusting, sir. Terribly offensive. Crude. Unprofessional.
Oh, yeah? Well, then read this boring-ass Wikipedia article for the game. Otherwise, shut up and bend over, missy. It's going to be a rough night. (Teabagging is for pussies.)
Just when you think Saints Row couldn't be more crass and over the top, Saints Row: The Third blows… if you don't know why I'm letting this sentence dangle, here's a dead hooker. Some people say that the series is just a rip-off of Grand Theft Auto, but that's the fucking point. In fact, it's really the bold-faced truth. Don't lie and say that you play GTA for the heartwarming story when you spend half the time shooting cops and ignoring phone calls from your cousin and your girlfriend. Saints Row: The Third knows what you really want: To Kick Them In The Nuts.
I could follow the rules of a preview and methodically anatomize the game's components on its updated graphics modeling, more furious third-person shooting system, GPS with green arrows in the air that show you where to turn, clearer mission objectives, and menu system which is now a smartphone, but that wouldn't serve Saints Row: The Third any justice. I could mention that the Third Street Saints have left their territory in Stilwater from Saints Row 2 due to a failed bank heist and are now recuperating in the Chicago-inspired city of Steelport to get revenge on the Belgian Phillipe Loren (well played, Belgium, but GR saw you coming), who had taken over Stilwater's banks and bribed the Stilwater police force.
But since all you probably got from that last paragraph was "blah, blah, blah", here's a bulleted list of only a few of the things you can do in Saints Row: The Third (if you don't like bulleted lists, recall the part about bending over):
– Leap into the air onto a slut, grab her head between your thighs, slam her into the pavement, and walk away like a boss
– Refuse to open the door to a car, press the "awesome button", and jump into the driver's seat through the window
– Sign an autograph by a fangirl of the Saints, while you're robbing a bank on the third floor (anything for the fans, right?!)
– Earn extra cash and respect, which are now essentially experience points, by doing Side Activities that have you blow up the city with a tank, fire missiles at cars from a helicopter, ram yourself into oncoming traffic for insurance fraud, and headshot furries in a time-trialed gauntlet in Professor Genki's Ethical Reality Climax game show
– Play the entire game cooperatively with a fellow Saints Row homie online or via System Link
– Customize your character so that it looks like the Silver Surfer with a Pornstache, a zombie voice-over, one white glove, and a Thriller taunt
– Dress up in a furry cat suit and stab a Luchador with a samurai sword because you can
– Find a gang of fifteen super-sized, shotgun-toting mercs in a parking lot, and instead of being an idiot by facing them head-on, call in an everyday, normal-sized SA-3 airstrike
– Fly the laser-mounted V.T.A.L. jet and fire missiles at the world
– Suck up to six pedestrians into Professor Genki's Man-Cannon vehicle and shoot them, yourself, and your co-op buddies into the air to songs of patriotism
– Suck yourself into
Horde Whored mode and slice gimps and giant women wearing only bras and panties
– Or if none of that sounds like fun… do shit
Perhaps the only thing you can't do is throw a jart – that's a fart in a jar – that would have made its victims vomit uncontrollably. Apparently, that's the line at Volition. A scary, scary line. A line I call "DLC, please!"
Saints Row: The Third will put a stick in all of our asses on November 15, 2011 for Xbox 360, PS3, and PC. Don't worry, though. We'll learn to like it.