Charlie's Angels Review

With

Angels

like

these,

who

needs

Satan?

For

some

inexplicable

reason,

I

like

to

keep

a

collection

of

all

the

lousy

games

I’ve

reviewed.

After

all,

I

spent

so

many

painful

hours

plugging

away

at

dreck

like

Antz

Extreme

Racing

and

Men

in

Black

II,

I

might

as

well

have

something

to

show

for

it.

And

I

almost

feel

sorry

for

games

like

Minority

Report

and

Die

Hard:

Vendetta.

If

I

don’t

give

these

ill

begotten

“games”

a

good

home,

who

will?

Plus,

they

make

for

some

very

decorative

coffee

coasters.

Incidentally,

aside

from

being

total

failures,

all

those

games

I

mentioned

have

movie

tie-ins.

Time

and

time

again,

I

hope

for

something

good

and

meaningful

out

of

these

movie

games,

only

to

be

clocked

in

the

gut

and

then

spat

on.

Unsurprisingly,

history

repeats

itself

yet

again

with

the

release

of

Charlie’s

Angels

for

the

Gamecube,

or

as

I

prefer

to

call

it,

one

of

Johnny’s

Frisbees.

Charlie’s

Angels,

the

video

game,

doesn’t

tie

in

directly

to

either

of

the

two

movies.

Instead,

it

has

a

nonsensical

story

of

its

very

own,

involving

the

global

disappearance

of

some

treasured

monuments.

And

thus

Charlie

calls

forth

his

three

jive-talking

wenches,

Natalie,

Dylan,

and

Alex

to

save

those

monuments.

Honestly,

would

it

be

so

much

trouble

for

Charlie

to

do

his

own

work

for

once?

The

lazy

jerk.

So

now

the

three

Angels

must

chase

their

quarry

through

a

bunch

of

third

person

perspective

levels,

armed

with

a

basic

punch,

kick,

block

and

a

floaty,

fairy-like

jump.

This

jump

can

be

followed

with

a

limited

punch

or

kick.

These

levels

are

more

like

stop

and

go

traffic:

move

a

little,

fight

a

lot

of

enemies,

and

contemplate

the

various

invisible

walls

in

your

way

before

you

are

allowed

to

move

on

to

next

little

stop

and

go

area.

Further

into

the

game,

you

also

gain

some

throws

and

combos.

Unfortunately,

these

“additions”

don’t

add

an

ounce

of

skill

or

technique

to

the

monstrously

mindless

button

mashing

being

labeled

as

“gameplay.”

There

are

intermittent

boxes

to

kick

around,

as

well

as

some

powerups

and

the

rare

hidden

item,

but

essentially

you

are

getting

absolute

zero

in

terms

of

an

interactive

environment.

With

their

hack

kung

fu

moves,

the

Angels

are

able

to

take

on

just

about

every

possible

kind

of

non-villain;

Construction

workers,

French

maids,

priests,

and

shirtless

dandies

all

seem

to

be

harboring

some

form

of

unresolved

anger

toward

the

Angels.

I

don’t

get

it.

Why

they

be

hating?

It’s

a

common

enough

that

wave

after

waves

of

enemies

will

attack,

but

c’mon

–

can’t

we

actually

have

some

kind

of

story

here?

Are

the

fighting

priests

after

you

because

it’s

sacrilegious

to

call

yourself

an

Angel

?

Did

Charlie

offend

the

French

Maids

Union?

Plus,

the

AI

is

so

basic,

there’s

barely

any

point

to

it

all.

Along

with

the

regular

health

meter

and

lives,

there’s

a

bonus

meter

that

fills

up

as

you

beat

enemies.

This

“feature”

also

amounts

to

zilch

for

the

game.

Essentially,

when

you

perform

combos

with

your

bonus

meter

filled,

a

cockamamie,

half-assed

“Angel

Time”

effect

briefly

flickers

by.

The

instruction

manual

calls

it

Angel

Time,

I

call

it

slowdown.

During

the

game,

if

you

get

tired

of

playing

as

one

of

the

Angels,

you

can

switch

to

another

one.

Why

even

bother?

Each

girl

is

practically

identical.

A

move

may

look

different

here

or

there,

but

you’ll

be

doing

the

same

things

no

matter

whom

you

play

as.

Mash,

mash,

mash

the

gamepad.

From

start

to

finish,

that

is

just

about

all

you

do

in

Charlie’s

Angels.

You

could

just

go

mash

a

few

keys

on

your

keyboard

right

now

for

the

fun

of

it.

Go

ahead,

give

it

a

try.

This

saves

you

money,

too.

If

generic

music

and

the

sounds

of

a

tortured

duck

turn

your

knobs,

then

the

ladies

of

Charlie’s

Angels

are

sure

to

please.

All

three

of

these

lovely

lasses

spout

out

odd

noises

and

mumbled

catch

phrases

to

create

a

cacophony

of

aching

eardrums.

Wait

–

did

I

call

them

lovely?

More

like

oddly

pointy,

boxy,

and

bearing

as

little

resemblance

to

their

Hollywood

counterparts

as

possible.

The

character

modeling

is

mired

in

the

N64

age

of

cubist

thought,

and

the

hair-dos

all

look

like

big

blobs

of

spaghetti.

Mario

will

be

so

pleased.

With

unbelievably

backwards

graphics

for

this

day

and

age,

including

lazy

texturing

and

an

unsteady

camera,

I

simply

don’t

understand

why

the

frame

rate

can’t

even

keep

up.

I

have

to

say,

this

game

looks

more

like

a

lazy

student’s

project

than

something

sold

in

stores.

In

fact,

here

is

a

whole

collection

of

people

who

have

been

more

sucessful

at

recreating

Charlie’s

Angels

than

Ubi

Soft.

Even

the

cinematics

take

the

half-assed

route.

90%

of

the

videos

take

place

from

within

Charlie’s

cozy

detective

agency.

That

means

the

same

CG

shots

of

the

girls

talking

to

Bosely

are

used

time

and

time

again.

Sure

it

saves

some

developmental

rendering

time,

but

it

makes

for

some

damn

boring

movies.

Even

in

their

higher

polygon,

cinematic

form,

the

girls

only

marginally

look

like

their

real-life

counterparts.

Charlie’s

Angels

tries

to

do

so

little,

and

still

manages

to

come

up

short.

Optimistically

speaking,

Charlie’s

Angels

represents

the

bare,

bare,

bare

minimum

of

what

constitutes

a

game.

Yet

among

my

canon

of

crappy

games,

this

one

takes

the

cake

as

the

most

vapidly

pointless

game

yet.

Good

bye,

Angels,

I’ll

see

you

in

Hell.