Charlie’s Angels Review

Charlie's Angels Info

genre

  • N/A

players

  • 1 - 1

Publisher

  • Ubisoft

Developer

  • N/A

Release Date

  • 01/01/1970
  • Out Now

Platform

  • GameCube

rating

With
Angels
like
these,
who
needs
Satan?

For
some
inexplicable
reason,
I
like
to
keep
a
collection
of
all
the
lousy
games
I’ve
reviewed.
After
all,
I
spent
so
many
painful
hours
plugging
away
at
dreck
like
Antz
Extreme
Racing

and
Men
in
Black
II
,
I
might
as
well
have
something
to
show
for
it.

And
I
almost
feel
sorry
for
games
like
Minority
Report

and
Die
Hard:
Vendetta
.
If
I
don’t
give
these
ill
begotten
“games”
a
good
home,
who
will?
Plus,
they
make
for
some
very
decorative
coffee
coasters.

Incidentally,
aside
from
being
total
failures,
all
those
games
I
mentioned
have
movie
tie-ins.
Time
and
time
again,
I
hope
for
something
good
and
meaningful
out
of
these
movie
games,
only
to
be
clocked
in
the
gut
and
then
spat
on.
Unsurprisingly,
history
repeats
itself
yet
again
with
the
release
of
Charlie’s
Angels

for
the
Gamecube,
or
as
I
prefer
to
call
it,
one
of
Johnny’s
Frisbees.

Charlie’s
Angels
,
the
video
game,
doesn’t
tie
in
directly
to
either
of
the
two
movies.
Instead,
it
has
a
nonsensical
story
of
its
very
own,
involving
the
global
disappearance
of
some
treasured
monuments.
And
thus
Charlie
calls
forth
his
three
jive-talking
wenches,
Natalie,
Dylan,
and
Alex
to
save
those
monuments.
Honestly,
would
it
be
so
much
trouble
for
Charlie
to
do
his
own
work
for
once?
The
lazy
jerk.

So
now
the
three
Angels
must
chase
their
quarry
through
a
bunch
of
third
person
perspective
levels,
armed
with
a
basic
punch,
kick,
block
and
a
floaty,
fairy-like
jump.
This
jump
can
be
followed
with
a
limited
punch
or
kick.
These
levels
are
more
like
stop
and
go
traffic:
move
a
little,
fight
a
lot
of
enemies,
and
contemplate
the
various
invisible
walls
in
your
way
before
you
are
allowed
to
move
on
to
next
little
stop
and
go
area.

Further
into
the
game,
you
also
gain
some
throws
and
combos.
Unfortunately,
these
“additions”
don’t
add
an
ounce
of
skill
or
technique
to
the
monstrously
mindless
button
mashing
being
labeled
as
“gameplay.”
There
are
intermittent
boxes
to
kick
around,
as
well
as
some
powerups
and
the
rare
hidden
item,
but
essentially
you
are
getting
absolute
zero
in
terms
of
an
interactive
environment.

With
their
hack
kung
fu
moves,
the
Angels
are
able
to
take
on
just
about
every
possible
kind
of
non-villain;
Construction
workers,
French
maids,
priests,
and
shirtless
dandies
all
seem
to
be
harboring
some
form
of
unresolved
anger
toward
the
Angels.
I
don’t
get
it.
Why
they
be
hating?

It’s
a
common
enough
that
wave
after
waves
of
enemies
will
attack,
but
c’mon

can’t
we
actually
have
some
kind
of
story
here?
Are
the
fighting
priests
after
you
because
it’s
sacrilegious
to
call
yourself
an
Angel
?
Did
Charlie
offend
the
French
Maids
Union?
Plus,
the
AI
is
so
basic,
there’s
barely
any
point
to
it
all.

Along
with
the
regular
health
meter
and
lives,
there’s
a
bonus
meter
that
fills
up
as
you
beat
enemies.
This
“feature”
also
amounts
to
zilch
for
the
game.
Essentially,
when
you
perform
combos
with
your
bonus
meter
filled,
a
cockamamie,
half-assed
“Angel
Time”
effect
briefly
flickers
by.
The
instruction
manual
calls
it
Angel
Time,
I
call
it
slowdown.

During
the
game,
if
you
get
tired
of
playing
as
one
of
the
Angels,
you
can
switch
to
another
one.
Why
even
bother?
Each
girl
is
practically
identical.
A
move
may
look
different
here
or
there,
but
you’ll
be
doing
the
same
things
no
matter
whom
you
play
as.
Mash,
mash,
mash
the
gamepad.
From
start
to
finish,
that
is
just
about
all
you
do
in
Charlie’s
Angels
.
You
could
just
go
mash
a
few
keys
on
your
keyboard
right
now
for
the
fun
of
it.
Go
ahead,
give
it
a
try.
This
saves
you
money,
too.

If
generic
music
and
the
sounds
of
a
tortured
duck
turn
your
knobs,
then
the
ladies
of
Charlie’s
Angels

are
sure
to
please.
All
three
of
these
lovely
lasses
spout
out
odd
noises
and
mumbled
catch
phrases
to
create
a
cacophony
of
aching
eardrums.

Wait

did
I
call
them
lovely?
More
like
oddly
pointy,
boxy,
and
bearing
as
little
resemblance
to
their
Hollywood
counterparts
as
possible.
The
character
modeling
is
mired
in
the
N64
age
of
cubist
thought,
and
the
hair-dos
all
look
like
big
blobs
of
spaghetti.
Mario
will
be
so
pleased.

With
unbelievably
backwards
graphics
for
this
day
and
age,
including
lazy
texturing
and
an
unsteady
camera,
I
simply
don’t
understand
why
the
frame
rate
can’t
even
keep
up.
I
have
to
say,
this
game
looks
more
like
a
lazy
student’s
project
than
something
sold
in
stores.
In
fact,
here
is
a
whole
collection
of
people

who
have
been
more
sucessful
at
recreating
Charlie’s
Angels
than
Ubi
Soft.

Even
the
cinematics
take
the
half-assed
route.
90%
of
the
videos
take
place
from
within
Charlie’s
cozy
detective
agency.
That
means
the
same
CG
shots
of
the
girls
talking
to
Bosely
are
used
time
and
time
again.
Sure
it
saves
some
developmental
rendering
time,
but
it
makes
for
some
damn
boring
movies.
Even
in
their
higher
polygon,
cinematic
form,
the
girls
only
marginally
look
like
their
real-life
counterparts.

Charlie’s
Angels

tries
to
do
so
little,
and
still
manages
to
come
up
short.
Optimistically
speaking,
Charlie’s
Angels

represents
the
bare,
bare,
bare
minimum
of
what
constitutes
a
game.
Yet
among
my
canon
of
crappy
games,
this
one
takes
the
cake
as
the
most
vapidly
pointless
game
yet.
Good
bye,
Angels,
I’ll
see
you
in
Hell.

In
this
case,
Hell
being
under
my
mug
of
java
on
the
coffee
table.


REVOLUTION REPORT CARD

0
Rating
The opening menu music is kind catchy
Horribly backwards, dated graphics
Bad sound effects and generic music
Mashing, pointless gameplay
Invisible walls, zero feeling of environment
Angel Time? Feh, don't make me laugh.
Boring story and reused cinematics
Weak all over, through and through
But its been stuck in my head. Curse you Angels! Curse you!