Snowboring. Review

Snowboring.

If I asked you to imagine a snowboarder, chances are you’d visualize one of those

fearless, flyin’-down-the-mountain types who take black diamonds in wife beaters

and boxers. The kind of guy who has little butterfly hair clips and the teeth

of all the little girls he has run over embedded in the bottom of his board.

Now imagine a somewhat less exciting snowboarder, who we’ll call Cal Borden.

Cal is, perhaps, a little overweight, and maybe a little dull. He can bust a

couple cool tricks (he’s been at it for long enough) and with all the latest

in trendy snowboard wear. But he just doesn’t look as sharp as he used to.

Now, if you were going to base a snowboarding game on one of these two rippers,

which one would it be? Too bad it really doesn’t matter who you choose, because

Cal is your only option. The game I speak of is Cool Boarders 2001. It’s

not really a bad game, it’s just over-the-hill.

The Cool Boarders story is non-existent and the characters are inconsequential.

If you watch snowboarding on TV and have a favorite boarder, then you’d probably

dig being able to shred some slopes in their boots. But while playing CB

2001, you feel about as close to your character as you would to a cardboard

cut-out of them.

Like many other games, progress is made one step at a time by beating levels.

Once you beat a level you get to challenge a real-life, superficial representation

of a pro! If you beat them, you even get their board! That looks just like yours!

Which does absolutely nothing special! Wow! Talk about brand-name mania.

CB 2001’s graphics are a pretty standard fare, though te animations

are occasionally pretty good. You can really see this when you do tricks, because

your boarder will go through all the necessary motions as opposed to magically

snapping into a new position. Thank you, motion capture gods, I am a happy man.

The falls rock, too. You can really jack your guy up with the wrong moves.

Too bad there isn’t a "Fatal Injury" or "Hospital Bill"

mode, since the falls have got to be the best part of the game. It’s a kick

to launch your boarder off a huge jump and only do half a back-flip.

Then just sit back and watch the damage commence. Those little stick arms won’t

save him now, mwahahaha!

It really is a shame that there are no injuries. Even though the falls are

pretty sweet, your dude just bounces right back up. How about a twisted ankle

or a shattered knee?

The sound is right on par with any other Playstation game. The music sounds

like that same old, cheesy WWF style rock and roll that can be found in most

PSX titles. It isn’t very inspiring, but I guess if there was some really thumpin’,

adrenaline pumpin’ music, you’d just wind up feeling let down by the slow and

sloppy gameplay.

Yup, the gameplay is weak. CB 2001 puts all its emphasis on air-borne

tricks and grinding, both of which get old as soon as you figure out how to

do them. Grinding and punching are all that’s new to the game in the way of

control, and both are very disappointing.

The grinding is mainly implemented in the “trick sequences” to rack up mondo

points. The thing is, the sequence usually involves making a huge, blind jump

and landing on a tiny little rail. Actually, grinding the rail is a cinch –

all you’ve got to do is hold down the Triangle button. However, actually hitting

the one spot out of hundreds that will land you on the rail is absolutely impossible

to do with any consistency. This sort of BS is the stuff that ruins the game.

It’s just not worth sitting around for an hour trying to hit two of these jumps

in a row in order to go to the next level and have to hit three of the

damn things.

The punching is barely worth mentioning. You can punch other boarders. That’s

it. You can’t even hurt anybody with these weak and ineffectual blows, although

your adversaries do yell in surprise when you poke them. I think pepper spray

would have been a much better choice, especially in multiplayer mode, which

is also pretty boring.

The only thing in Cool Boarders that could possibly be more frustrating

than the ridiculous trick sequences is the inadequacy of the camera. The stupid

thing is a nemesis. When you get up after a fall it sits about 4 feet directly

above your head, giving you no indication of which way you need to go next.

Your character doesn’t help either, since he’ll just take off in a random direction,

even if it’s the wrong one.

Setting these two major bitches aside, the play is still only marginally fun.

If you aren’t hitting trick sequences, you’re probably making really big jumps.

The big jumps are cool, because there are literally thousands of different aerial

combinations your boarder can perform. But none of the combos are very deep.

Finally, the game isn’t fast enough. TV shows focus on the jumps because they

look cool, but speed is what draws snowboarders to the sport, and speed is what

snowboarding excitement is all about. Granted, this game does contain a few

jaunty moments, but even the races based on fastest times are easily won by

playing conservatively.

Cool Boarders 2001 is another mediocre game and, at times, a pain.

However, it does have some cool moments and will easily consume a couple of

free hours. As a rental this game is good for a night’s worth of entertainment,

but as a purchase, this game is good for maybe a broken controller and a wasted

50 bucks.