Conspiracy Theories
It doesn’t take a genius to conclude that VR Sports Powerboat Racing fails
as a video game. I figured that much out after playing the game for only a few
minutes.
I
believe the real mystery lies in the question, ‘Why does this game suck so much?’
To help solve this mystery, I have constructed a list of possible conspiracy
theories. Please remember: these are only theories, and with the exception of
the game itself as evidence, are not based on facts.
Theory #1: This theory involves a powerful powerboat tycoon, who we’ll
call Duke. For years, Duke has dreamed of increasing his already vast fortune
by building up the sport (but is it really a sport?) of powerboat racing. He’s
tried everything, from bribing government officials to planning terrorist actions
at NASCAR races, but nothing seems to be working. So Duke comes up with the
idea of applying muscle to the video game industry in order to produce a powerboat
racing video game.
He thinks the game will capture the attention of America’s youth and propel
powerboat racing to NFL proportions. But Duke forgot two important facts. First,
99% of America’s youth have never heard of powerboat racing, and would therefore
never be interested in playing the game. Second, powerboat racing is boring.
The tracks are very straightforward and basic. I beat the first three tracks
the very first time I tried. That’s just too easy for a video game. The laps
take forever to run, and lot of that time is spent going down 10-12 second straight-aways
interrupted only by gradual turns.
In short, Duke’s latest scheme turns out to be just another failure to add
to his list. I guess he just didn’t understand that this hum-drum sport will
never capture the attention of the video game population.
Theory #2: This theory involves an espionage mission, by a spy we’ll
call Colin. Colin was hired by other video game companies to infiltrate VR and
sabotage their newest game – VR Powerboat Racing. Colin’s orders were to make
the new game very similar in overall structure to other, superior racing games,
such as Jet Moto 2 and Need
For Speed 3: Hot Pursuit.
So he gave the new game similar options, such as tournaments, different boats
with different skills, and nine courses. But then Colin made the boats all look
the same, gave the tracks boring scenery, and made the tracks boring to drive.
In fact, when you get to the upper levels and need to race four and five lap
races, as opposed the three lap races you run at first, I usually couldn’t even
stay interested enough to even finish race.
The one cool thing that managed to slip by his sabateur eye is that some tracks
actually change mid-race, usually for the last lap. Other than that, though,
Colin left out all the bells and whistles that make other racing games great.
The
other companies’ motives were simple: To force VR Sports to make a racing game
of such poor quality that their games look even better to the casual videogame
player, thus boosting sales.
Theory #3: A young go-getter…lets call him Ben…is desperately trying
to climb the VR Sports executive ladder, hoping some day to become a Vice President.
Right now, though, he is in charge of graphics for the company’s low budget
games.
He knows that if he can come up with a new, innovative, award winning game,
he will surely get a promotion. Yet, unfortunately for Ben, the harsh demands
of the corporate world have drained him of his creative juices. As a result,
Ben begins to get devious.
He goes through the archives and finds an old 8 bit Nintendo boat racing game
he remembers playing as a kid. He transplants the game’s graphics into his new
game – VR Sports Powerboat Racing. This leaves Ben’s new game with unimaginative,
boring graphics. Although Ben has made the graphics 3-D, they just don’t compare
well against most of the other 3-D games that have come out in the past couple
years. While the graphics do at times make you feel like you’re riding waves,
this effect turns out to be more nauseating than exciting.
So thats the whole scoop, directly from deep throat. Beware alien probes, alert
Keven Costner, keep your eye on the grassy knoll, and don’t buy Powerboat racing.
