From Dick Butkus to Hootie and the Blowfish to Lake Titicaca, bad names have been with us forever. But thanks to the inevitable collision of reclusive nerds, bizarre artists and painfully unhip marketing execs, the video game industry enjoys some of the worst names of all.
The following list was compiled after hours of lively debate, pages of exhausting science and one actual geek fistfight. During this laborious process, we decided to set up a few basic rules:
All games must have been wide releases for legitimate, popular platforms.
We tried to avoid games heavy on the Engrish. Translation errors are just too easy.
So are educational games and porn.
We should also point out that this list in no way indicates the quality of the game itself, merely the quality of its awful title. And we know that some of you will claim that you once played a game in a Korean arcade called "Diarrhea Coughdrop" or something and that it deserves a spot on the list. Cool. Go make one.
After all, Wii did. Let the names begin!
Frogger: Helmet Chaos
50
We must bring order to the helmets!
Platform : DS, PSP Publisher : Konami Year : 2005
If ever there was a title that came straight out of the random grab-bag-o-nouns, it's this one. Pretty much lost me after "Frogger."
Zeitgeist
49
David Hume could out-consume Schopenhauer and Hegel.
Platform : Playstation, PC Publisher : Taito Year : 1998
Man, nothing says "fun" like a German philosophical term for an era in the dialectical progression of a people or the world at large. I wonder if it has tits!
Twin Eagle: Revenge Joe's Brother
48
No, Joe.
Platform : Arcade Publisher : Taito Year : 1988
It's bad enough to name a helicopter Revenge Joe, but it's even worse when you claim it has a brother. And it's doubly worse when you consider that this is actually the first Twin Eagle game. Revenge for what?
Jumpman
47
A super-power it ain't.
Platform : Apple II, Commodore 64, PC Publisher : Epyx Year : 1983
From the Totally Out of Ideas department comes Jumpman. Let's see…there's a man, and he jumps…
ASO: Armored Scrum Object
46
FYI: Unnecessary Abbreviation
Platform : Arcade Publisher : SNK Year : 1986
Why would they name a bland vertical shooter after some sort of futuristic Rugby ball? To make our list, of course.
Wild Woody
45
I just figured out my porn star name.
Platform : Sega CD Publisher : Sega Year : 1995
Wild Woody was also the the star of this game, a bright yellow No. 2 pencil that threw sticks of dynamite. Welcome to the mascot graveyard.
Tech Romancer
44
Your eyes are like deep pools of Dihydrogen Monoxide.
Platform : Dreamcast Publisher : Capcom Year : 2000
This dorky Don Juan gets all the ladies with his smooth moves, great hair and modded Palm Pilot.
Princess Tomato in Salad Kingdom
43
Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first.
Platform : NES Publisher : Hudson Soft Year : 1990
And then pretty much just skip the salad course, because this vegetable-themed adventure game had no meat. On the other hand, you gotta see the melons on that tomato.
Beyond the Beyond
42
Way past the far out.
Platform : Playstation Publisher : Sony Year : 1999
Sony goes one step beyond in their top-shelf RPG. Beyond what, you ask? Don't ask. Really.
Silhouette Mirage: Reprogrammed Hope
41
Palette timid waffle.
Platform : Playstation, Saturn Publisher : Working Designs Year : 1999
We love the random word generator, too! Opted congestion substances source! Think wind recorder disrupt!
Um Jammer Lammy
40
While my guitar gently screams WTF.
Platform : Playstation Publisher : Sony Year : 1999
This sequel to Parappa the Rapper took a confusing premise – you're a psychedelic lamb who plays guitar – and turned it absurd with this awkward title.
PenPen TriIcelon
39
Attack of the lion-penguin-monkeys.
Platform : Dreamcast Publisher : Infogrames Year : 1999
You're a mutant penguin racing in the TriIcelon, which is just like a Triathlon, but colder. Believe it or not, we reviewed this one and STILL have no idea what the hell it's about.
Spanky's Quest
38
To save Alfalfa?
Platform : SNES Publisher : Natsume Year : 1992
See, Spanky is a monkey. Spanky the monkey. SPANK THE MONKEY. Hey thanks, you'rea great crowd!
Cacoma Knight in Bizyland
37
Mind your bizness.
Platform : SNES Publisher : SETA U.S.A. Year : 1993
Sounds like an adventurous RPG, but the only thing getting bizy in this Qix ripoff is you.
M.U.S.C.L.E.
36
B.A.D. A.C.R.O.N.Y.M.
Platform : NES Publisher : Bandai Year : 1986
Video games are chock full of bad acronyms, but Mattel and Bandai's old wrestling game – Millions of Unusual Small Creatures Lurking Everywhere – wins by submission.
Sticky Balls
35
Pass the vaseline.
Platform : Gizmondo Publisher : Gizmondo Games Year : 2005
The platform might have been a front for a mafia scam, but the games were real. Real filthy, that is.
70's Robot Anime Geppy-X: The Super Boosted Armor
34
Wow.
Platform : Playstation Publisher : Aroma Year : 1999
We cheated a little on this one, since this side-scrolling robot shooter was a Japanese-only release, but with a title like that, it just had to be on the list.
Punky Skunk
33
God save the queen.
Platform : Playstation Publisher : Jaleco Year : 1998
Talk about low effort game naming. He's a skunk, he's extreme, and he loves The Misfits…so…hmmm…what to call him…
Klonoa: Door to Phantomile
32
Doctor, it hurts when I pee…
Platform : Playstation Publisher : Namco Year : 1997
That's because you've caught Klonoa, Jimmy, but don't worry, a shot of penicillin will clear that right up.
Awesome Possum Kicks Dr. Machino's Butt!
31
He does. Right in the butt.
Platform : Sega Genesis Publisher : Tengen Year : 1994
Fun fact: This is one of the first games to actually use digitized voice. Not so fun fact: Here's a dialogue snippet: Awesome Possum: "I'm awesome!" Dr. Machino: "You’re not so awesome!"
You got that right.
Catechumen
30
Even Jesus can't save it.
Platform : PC Publisher : N'Lightning Year : 1997
A catechuman is a person receiving instruction in the Christian religion in order to be baptized, making the concept for this first-person shooter nearly as bad as its nigh unpronounceable name.
World Soccer Winning Eleven 5: Final Evolution
29
The future is long-winded.
Platform : PS2 Publisher : Konami Year : 2002
One ball, two numbers, seven words, fifteen syllables. How hard is it to just call the thing 'soccer'?
Panic Restaurant
28
Worst…service…ever.
Platform : NES Publisher : Taito Year : 1992
"Waiter, there's a fly in my soup."
"AAAAHHHHH!!!! A f*ckin fly?! NOOOO!!! WHYYY! Now everything is ruined! Quick, call the police! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
Let the turtles be ninjas and let the hamsters just be hamsters, please. And is it me, or is that rodent wearing a Hitler moustache while doing a little Sieg Heil salute?
Iggy's Reckin' Balls
26
He sure is and they sure are.
Platform : N64 Publisher : Acclaim Year : 1998
Iggy the ball stars in this oddly misspelled racing game. We're just glad he's not "wreckin" balls, because that sounds terribly painful.
Booby Kids
25
I dare you to squeeze their cheeks.
Platforms : NES Publisher : Nihon Busson Year : 1987
Though the Japanese are traditionally obsessed with panties, they switched gears in this top-down action romp. Should have been subtitled Tits for Tots.
Yo! Noid
24
Avoid the Noid.
Platforms : NES, Arcade Publisher : Capcom Year : 1990
Plenty of companies have used video games as thinly veiled advertising vehicles. Chester Cheetah had two games, and those talking M&M's had four. But none had a title as stupid as this one from the doomed Domino's Pizza mascot.
Lee Trevino's Fighting Golf
23
Fore, bitch!
Platforms : NES, Arcade Publisher : SNK Year : 1988
No sport promotes fighting like golf does. Wait a second – no it doesn't, and there's no fighting in Fighting Golf either, just golf. WTF?
Astro Fang: Super Machine
22
Makes thousands of julienne fries!
Platform : NES Publisher : A Wave Year : 1989
It's a racing game, it's a can opener, it removes stubborn stains and it melts away those extra pounds like magic! But wait, there's more! No, there's not!
Divine Divinity
21
You can say that again.
Platform : PC Publisher : CDV Year : 2002
Bringing the term "God complex " to retarded new heights, this recent RPG's titular redundancy is truly unholy.
Eggs of Steel: Charlie's Eggcellent Adventure
20
The yolk's on us.
Platform : Playstation Publisher : Atlus Year : 1998
Another one from the Over-Pun archives. Help Charlie the Egg save the giant factory! Ugh. We always knew too many eggs were bad for you.
Barkley: Shut Up And Jam!
19
I want QUIET! AND SLAM DUNKS!
Platform : Genesis Publisher : Accolade Year : 1993
Part command, part suggestion. We keep waiting for Kenny Smith to scream this at a babbling, incoherent Sir Charles during a TNT broadcast.
Tongue of the Fatman
18
Starring Ron Jeremy.
Platforms : PC Publisher : Activision Year : 1989
There's nothing like getting a little tongue from the fatman, which is precisely what this bizarre yet nauseating fighting game delivered. At least it didn't have John Madden in it.
Tactics Ogre: Let Us Cling Together
17
Have you hugged an ogre today?
Platform : Playstation Publisher : Atlus Year : 1997
Solidarity with ogres was definitely a key issue for whomever came up with the title for this turn-based strategy game. Either that or they were on ecstasy.
Rosco McQueen – Firefighter Extreme
16
Flame on.
Platform : Playstation Publisher : Psygnosis Year : 1997
Rosco is hot stuff in his his most extremely flaming video game yet! And when he whips out his hose, you'll burn with the desire to play with it!
Tobal No. 1
15
One is the loneliest number.
Platform : Playstation Publisher : Squaresoft Year : 1996
Especially in this case, since nobody outside of Japan ever saw another Tobal game. Maybe they should have taken a clue from George Lucas and started with No. 4…
Wargasm
14
I think George Bush gets these.
Platform : PC Publisher : Infogrames Year : 1998
Do you love the smell of napalm in the morning? Like, really, really love it? So do the overstimulated dorks behind this atrocious strategy game.
GOLF Magazine Presents 36 Great Holes Starring Fred Couples
13
I wonder what this game is about?
Platform : Sega 32X Publisher : Sega Year : 1994
Sponsor? Check. Number of Holes? Check. Quality of Holes? Check. Pro Endorsement? Check. Our attention span? Checked out three holes ago.
XEXYZ
12
RLY TRRBLE NME
Platform : NES Publisher : Hudson Soft Year : 1989
This side-scrolling shooter takes place just after a nuclear holocaust. The survivors must have mutated a second tongue, because they named their new nation XEXYZ.
No One Can Stop Mr. Domino!
11
Especially if you tip him over.
Platforms : Playstation Publisher : Acclaim Year : 1998
Artdink has made lots of weird games, but this is their most threatening. Mr. Domino knows where you live, bitch!
Totally Rad
10
Like, awesomely bad name, dude.
Platform : NES Publisher : Jaleco Year : 1991
In this platformer, regular Californian dude Jake is given magical powers to go save the bodacious babe, Allison. The resulting lesson: never, ever, let the marketing department name your game. Gnarly.
James Pond II: Codename RoboCod
9
A wet pun.
Platforms : Genesis, Game Boy Advance Publisher : EA Year : 1991
Fishing for compliments? Hehehe. Searching for sole? For sole – get it? Hey, you're still a great crowd!
Psybadek
8
D'oh!
Platform : Playstation Publisher : Psygnosis Year : 1998
"Psydeck" would have been fine, but they just had to add an extraneous "ba" to screw it up. In case you wondered what would happen if you asked Homer Simpson to name your hoverboard video game, now you know. Saxamaphone.
Nuts & Milk
7
Two great tastes that make no sense together.
Platform : NES Publisher : Hudson Soft Year : 1984
Hey! You got your nuts in my milk! Hey! You got your milk on my nuts! Mmmmm.
Huygen's Disclosure
6
Dutch physicists have all the fun.
Platform : PC Publisher : Microforum Year : 1999
Spoiler Warning: Each point of an advancing wave front is in fact the center of a fresh disturbance and the source of a new train of waves; and the advancing wave as a whole may be regarded as the sum of all the secondary waves arising from points in the medium already traversed. Sign us up!
Bad Dudes vs. Dragon Ninja
5
Dumb names vs. your quarters.
Platforms : Arcade, NES, Apple II, PC, Amiga Publisher : Data East Year : 1988
If you were worried about these dudes taking on the Dragon Ninja, don't. They're bad in a good way. Unlike their title, which is bad in a terrible way.
Pesterminator: The Western Exterminator
4
I'll be back…with Raid!
Platform : NES Publisher : Color Dreams Year : 1990
This lame side-scroller was based on Kernel Kleanup, a mascot of the real life Western Exterminator Company. They should be squished for this horrific naming transgression.
Mobile Suit Gundam: Gundam vs. Zeta Gundam
3
Gundam, spam, eggs, and gundam.
Platform : Playstation 2 Publisher : Namco Year : 2005
A gundam is a giant robot, and there are plenty of them battling it out in this game. There are plenty of them battling it out in the title, too. Malkovich malkovich.
If It Moves, Shoot It!
2
And if it lives, shoot it again!
Platform : PC Publisher : Broderbund Year : 1989
Excellent advice, but we have some, too – don't let your title double as the instruction manual for, like, a thousand other games.
Irritating Stick
1
And we have a winner. Please pass the ointment.
Platform : Playstation Publisher : Jaleco Year : 1999
While it's refreshingly honest that the game actually tells you that it's irritating before you buy it, as a name, it's terrible. It's so bad, in fact, that we bought a copy about five years ago and haven't opened it because we don't want to. Because it's irritating.
Props to VG Museum and Allgame for their informative game libraries.
