“Leaked” Project Cafe Games List Is All Kinds of Stupidity

I've been known to take a pretty hard eye to things in the games industry. I call it like I see it. Think SEGA is going to make a decent, superhero-licensed game? You're a moron. The same goes for anyone rating something from Ubisoft's Imagine series higher than Splash Damage's Brink.

Unfortunately, that's why I'm going to have to crack some Nintendo-fanboy skulls over this "supposed" leaked release list for Nintendo's next console, codenamed Project Cafe. Here's the list:

First Party

Launch Games

Extreme Sports Cafe (New IP, Combines 1080 and Wave Race + Other Sports)

Pikmin Cafe (Interfaces with Pikmin 3DS)

Endless Ocean Cafe

Nintendogs Cafe Kennel (Interfaces with Nintendogs + Cats)

Mii Explore (New IP, Multiplayer Adventure Game)

All of these do sound plausible, and honestly, after seeing the way Nintendo published its first-party games with the 3DS, I can't say that this won't be the weak showing they'd push Project Cafe out the door with. Even that's excusing Pikmin Cafe's basis on unannounced 3DS title, Pikmin 3DS.

Launch Window

Kirby’s Epic Yarn 2 (Launch Window, Multiplayer)

Wario Ware Cafe (Launch – Launch Window?)

Future Games

Super Mario Cafe (Late 2012/Early 2013, Paradigm Shift a la SM64)

Legend of Paper Zelda (Mid 2012, Paper Mario version of SNES Zelda)

Fire Emblem Cafe (Late 2012)

Retro Studios IP (Late 2012, New IP)

Project Sora IP (New IP)

Monolith Soft RPG (New IP)

Miyamoto Game (New IP)

This is really the biggest sign that this list is a complete and total fabrication of fanboy-daydreaming. Never mind that this all sounds like SUPER BULLSHIT (a level above normal bullshit), but even the dates are completely wrong. Is Project Cafe launching this summer? No. The damn machine is launching Fall 2012 (supposedly) so how are the "future" games landing around that same time? And why would Nintendo publish Super Mario, Zelda, Fire Emblem, and the Retro Studios IP at the same time? God, whoever wrote this is a fucking moron, especially if their goal was to garner attention with the inception of this "rumor." Don't even get me started on "Legend of Paper Zelda."

Third Party

Launch Games

Battlefield 3 (Extra Content)

Street Fighter X Tekken (Timed Exclusive)


Super Monkey Ball Cafe

Tony Hawk Cafe

Ridge Racer Cafe

Mass Effect 3 (Possibly with ME 1 + 2)


Dragons Dogma

Tom Clancy’s Ghost Recon: Future Soldier

Metal Gear Solid: Rising
(Extra Content)

Silent Hill: Downpour (Extra Content)

PES 2013 Cafe (Timed Exclusive)

Trauma Center Cafe

You should already know where I'm about to go with this. Every single one of these games is a game that some fanboy somewhere said "Hey, I'd really like to play those games but I only own a Wii. What if I can play them all on Project Cafe." Why the fuck would Bioware spend time and money back-porting Mass Effect 1 and Mass Effect 2 to Project Cafe? Have you seen the stupid interactive comic that came with Mass Effect 2 on PS3?

OK, admittedly, there will definitely be a Monkey Ball title on Project Cafe, possibly at launch. Yes, you might see a Street Fighter game too. Will it be SF X Tekken? No. Probably not. Yes, I could see >SSX ported to Project Cafe in the future. The rest of this sounds like bull shit and the constant use of (Extra Content) is just a stupid fucking excuse for the huge leaps we'd all have to take to believe this. It only gets more absurd so let's read on:

Launch Window

Modern Warfare 3

It's Activision so yeah, probably. C'mon, you know it's true too.

Grand Theft Auto V (Launch, Timed Exclusive)

See what I mean about the list getting more absurd? Fucking obnoxious. How could you call yourself an journalist and not say something to the tune of "yeah, right."

OK, so we've got rumblings of GTA V right now. I hope it's at E3 but me and everyone else like me will probably get disappointed. So, to suggest that GTA V will be a timed exclusive to Nintendo's Fall Launch 2012 console is a HUGE mistake. First of all, yes, Rockstar likes to take chances. Sure, I'll give you that, but they've published a GTA game on a Nintendo console. It was exclusive! There were no plans to port it to PSP or iPhone for that matter. Of course, the game didn't sell… at all, things had to be done to break even. You will not see Grand Theft Auto V on Project Cafe. You will certainly not see it as a timed exclusive. They haven't launched a timed exclusive since GTA: San Andreas. They're too big of a studio to do that anymore. They want to fire GTA V out into the ether on all fronts.

Dead Space Spin Off

Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles Cafe

Soul Caliber V
(Extra Content)

Future Games

Sonic Cafe (Sonic Generations)

Platinum Games IP (Bayonetta 2)

Phantasty Star Online 2 (Late 2012?)

SEGA Game (???)

The Amazing Spider-Man: The Game

Rockstar Game (New IP?)

BioShock Infinite (Timed Exclusive)

Red Steel III

Beyond Good & Evil 2

Doom 4

Madden 2013
(Timed Exclusive)

Tiger Woods 13

Fight Night Cafe

Need for Speed Cafe

Level-5 Game (New IP)

Kingdom Hearts Cafe (Possibly KH3)

Square Enix Game (New IP)

Square Enix Game (???)

Grasshopper Game (New IP or No More Heroes 3)

Valve Game (Possibly a collection set + new game?)

Epic Games (New IP, Bulletstorm 2 or New Gears of War Trilogy exclusive to Café)

I'm sorry. I can't. I just can't. There is so much stupidity in this list that I can't bring myself to write anything further. That's why I'm going to ask you to do it. Create the most absurd Project Cafe game possible. Seriously, let your imagination run wild. Enter it in the comments and the best one will get featured in The People Speak. I'll probably throw some E3 swag you way just because you're awesome.

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