10 Best Christmas Games

By Heath Hindman

This past Monday, a shopping mall local to me put up its Christmas tree and held its official lightup ceremony. No fucking joke. Nearly a week before even Halloween, the Christmas tree was going up. They're competing for your attention, and I cannot let them win. Two can play at this game, shopping mall! This Halloween, we bring you the best Christmas games of all time.

In related news, I sometimes yell "Christmas creep!" when I'm angry or surprised or frustrated or it's fucking Halloween while "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" plays on the loudspeakers in public places.

Christmas Games 2015

  • Parasite Eve

    Parasite Eve
    Parasite Eve takes places on Christmas Eve, but it's not about renaming "Christmas" to "Parasite." For failing to deliver on my expectations for a social commentary about over-commercialization, this game gets an F-.

  • Secret of Mana

    Secret of Mana
    What's more Christmasy than the Frost Gigas? How about murdering the Frost Gigas as revenge for spilling Santa's cheery crimson blood? 

  • Baby Jesus Christ RPG

    Baby Jesus Christ RPG
    What could be more Christmasy than playing an RPG in which the Holy Mother and her husband Joseph beat the shit out of tourists and gain EXP for their troubles? No room at the inn? Oh we gonna MAKE some room at the inn!

  • Battlefield Hardline

    Battlefield Hardline
    ON THE GROUND! ON THE GROUND MOTHER FUCKER! HANDS BEHIND YOUR BACK! HANDS BEHIND YOUR BACK MOTHER FUCKER! HANDS BEHIND YOUR BACK YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT! STAY DOWN! HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE 'EM MOTHER FUCKER!

  • Kingdom Hearts II

    Kingdom Hearts II
    Kingdom Hearts 2 has Christmas Town, which is great for Christmas AND Halloween! The perfect game for today, then!

  • Nier

    Nier
    "How can someone with such a big, smart brain get hypnotized like a little bitch? Huh?"

  • Christmas Nights Into Dreams

    Christmas Nights Into Dreams
    You know, this has been sitting right next to my Saturn for years and I really do intend to play it some Christmas Eve. 
    rn
    rnThing is, by the time Christmas rolls around, I'm like tired of it because it starts in like September or October these days. 

  • Resonance of Fate

    Resonance of Fate
    Resonance of Fate has a Christmas chapter. Instead of running around fighting enemies, you run around delivering presents. Like trick-or-treating in reverse!

  • Ribbit King

    Ribbit King
    For PS2.

  • Until Dawn

    Until Dawn
    Dawn, cause that means there's mere minutes till we open presents!
Heath Hindman
Heath Hindman

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