Some Bullsh*t: I Got Kicked Out of TGS Before I Could Even Steal Anything

As you know, the Tokyo Game Show has just begun. Ever since the pre-show conferences earlier this week, we’ve all been excited: some of us were ready to play those games, some of us were cautiously optimistic and wanting more info, and some of us were hoping to case the venue for a massive robbery. Turns out one of these pursuits isn’t cool with the uptight security folk.

When you line up at TGS, you’re forced to wait in line for these doors to open:

I always have enough to do and am never bored, but I was so early this year that I decided it would finally be the year I do the proper research to really rob the place blind. That’s where ignorance rears its ugly head — in this case, the ugly heads of door minders with nothing better to do than use completely inaccurate assumptions to thwart my eventual heist.

As I took a peek inside to see where everything was, see what booths were less guarded, and calculate how many yakuza vans I’d have to hire to carry everything I want, the Makuhari Messe staff thought I was trying to get in early. “Press line up over here, please,” a guy said, pointing to a gate where people were lining up. That doofus saw my press badge and assumed I was trying to sneak some early gameplay time, but I was actually forming a plan to lift hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of electronics and merchandise. This is beyond offensive.

I explained, “I know the rules, sir, but I’m not trying to go in right now. I’m casing the place for a robbery.” No deal. We argued back and forth and he eventually took me by the arm and made me line up with everyone else.

They thought I wanted to steal an early photo of Detroit: Become Human and Gran Turismo Sport VR, but I only wanted to steal a literal truckload of PS4s and iPhones. Idiots.

After a day of grudgingly playing hot games not yet available to the public, I went to Hero Boy’s superiors in the police HQ and explained that I wasn’t trying to get a news scoop, I was gathering information that could help me pull off one of the greatest heists in Japan’s rich history. They reacted the same way, going so far as to ban me from further covering the show. I’m as shocked as you are.

Ever been robbed by idiots who didn’t do their homework? It’s the worst! Broken glass everywhere, damage to your door, disorganized piles of things that had to be ransacked in a panic. But if CESA wants its show floor to look like a burglarized bedroom floor, with its dresser drawers dumped out and contents left in heaps by someone who had no time to prepare, then so fucking be it.

Unbelievable.