Waiter, there’s a fly in my brains. Review

Waiter, there’s a fly in my brains.

When brains are on the menu, you can always count on me to take a second helping.

Delicious, fresh, juicy brains… Mmmmmm. As a connoisseur of the cerebrum, I’ve

always considered Capcom to be a five-star chef, serving up one glorious dish

after another from the fine Resident Evil menu.

First came the gloriously revolutionary Resident

Evil, with just a hint of pepper. The plentiful Resident

Evil 2 came in four courses on two different disks; a mighty meal for even

the hungriest zombie. Resident

Evil 3: Nemesis was delightfully surprising to the palette, with the authentic

taste of undead mayhem in the big city. And Code

Veronica for the Dreamcast took full advantage of Sega’s cutting edge kitchen

to produce an entrée with nearly flawless presentation.

So when I heard that Resident Evil 3: Nemesis was now being served

on the Dreamcast, I positively droooooled with anticipation. I imagined the

spicy chaos of Nemesis mingled with the beauty of Veronica. A

3D signature dish of dynamic flavor, with a presentation Alfred

Portale could only envy. Such was my dream.

But to my dismay, Capcom delivered the exact same Playstation dish they served

me months previously. I got a plate of old brains, stale brains, brains that

had been stuffed in Tupperware, stored in the fridge and briefly reheated in

the microwave. Capcom! How could you?!

Nemesis for the Dreamcast is just the Playstation programming tweaked

to run on the DC. The big thing you’ll notice is that the graphics, which were

fine on the PS, look ridiculous on the DC. They’re slightly sharper, but the

edges are rough, there are seams everywhere, and the textures have big damn

pixel squares. Mouths don’t move when characters speak, arms look like rectangles…I

could go on and on. It’s a huge step backwards from savory Code Veronica.

The sharper zombies among you will have already realized that this means that they didn’t make it 3D. Exactly like the PS version, the backgrounds are flat and the camera is fixed in place. There’s even the same choppy, stuttering delay when the camera changes. Guaranteed hiccups throughout your meal!

In

fact, the only real difference between the Playstation version is that the hidden

Mercenaries game and Jill Valentine’s alternate costumes are available right

from the beginning. Why they decided to serve them with the entrée instead of

saving them for dessert is beyond me.

If Sony wasn’t holding up the Playstation emulator in court, you could just

buy Bleem for the Dreamcast for the same price and play Nemesis and 99

other games. 99!

The only thing saving this reheated frozen dinner is that Nemesis was

pretty good to begin with. The hero of the first Resident Evil game,

Jill Valentine, was about to leave Raccoon City on a well-deserved vacation.

Unfortunately, that pesky zombie virus got loose in the city, fortifying it

with essential mayhem and carnage. The gritty taste of a city at war made this

game really stand out.

Plus, the control is tighter than any other Resident Evil game and

includes the dodge move. Nemesis himself is both large and scary. And the game

has more surprises than any other; with dynamic zombie tactics and multiple

paths. Go read my review

of it to find out more.

Well, that’s Nemesis on a silver platter. If you’ve tasted the Playstation

version, you’ve eaten this before. We know what they could have done if they

put their talents to the task – it’s a shame they didn’t even try. This plate

of leftovers just isn’t worthy of the table it’s served on. Check, please.