Someone’s gonna pay for making me find these friggin’ key cards…
Let your mind wander through the pantheon of video game heroes. Who kicks the most ass? Who has more machismo than even Blake Morse? Who always gets the girl and saves the day? Nathan Drake? Mario? Space Marine #476? What hole did a wuss like you crawl out of? I’m talking about f*%king Duke Nukem!
[image1]Manhattan Project is a side-scrolling action game that pits Duke [Imagine our Duke for laughs and giggles. ~Ed. Nick] against all of the evils Mech Morphix has spread across the city. These include mutated swine, sewer rats, crocodiles, and the occasional robot. The action takes place on a 2D plane, but Duke will often traverse into the background or foreground to uncover some secret areas. Collectibles are strewn throughout the maps and two specific objectives will have to be achieved before you can move on to the next baddie-infested section.
Though the level designs with their secret areas and branching allude to Metroid, Manhattan Project is way too straightforward. The objectives are the same in every level (dismantle a bomb, find a keycard) and the branching paths don’t go anywhere. Obviously, Duke suffers from a lot of the same trappings he always has, including his personality.
Duke Nukem easily has the biggest ego in games, a personality that doesn’t go down as smooth as it used to. Player involvement in video games relies heavily on projection and other psychological terms I only understand thanks to my Psych-major girlfriend. Duke Nukem doesn’t allow for that. Instead, the outlandishly chauvinistic character prays on what gamers would supposedly like to be.
[image2]Unfortunately for Duke, the ’90s officially died and more and more girls play video games these days. Sorry, Duke, marketability is no longer a strong suit for you.
"What the hell are you talking about, you pansy-ass video game reviewer?"
I’m saying you can’t sell a video game with your personality anymore, Duke. Gaming has a new scene now. Duke Nukem 3D dropped over a decade ago and that was your last truly notable game. Gamers these days are way more interested in leveling up and playing online multiplayer.
"[email protected] that! Does that Master Chef, or whatever, asshole have guns as big as the G.L.O.P.P. Ray Gun or this minigun?"
Well, no. But what is this? A gun-to-penis comparison? Duke Nukem: Manhattan Project does let players slaughter mutated freaks with a lot of different weapons in nine different worlds with three levels each. There’s a ton of admittedly fun gameplay in a 2.5D style. Despite that, I mean, c’mon Duke, the gameplay gets stale and you have to find a keycard to move to the next level. How tired are keycards?
"Your face, your ass, what’s the difference?"
[image3]Oh, come now Duke, you’re just being childish. You’ve got to accept that your tired personality and gameplay is getting—-
"I’ll blow you a new hole!"
"Listen up, you gamer nerds! If you wanna kick some ass, you gotta do it the Duke Nukem way! Don’t like key-cards? Tough shit! Saving the world isn’t all fun and games. You gotta get off your ass and turn these freaking pigs into bacon. Mama always said life is like a box of ammo, and if you don’t play Manhattan Project, you know what’s coming to ya!"
+ "It’s got me, Duke motherf#&king Nukem, ’nuff said."
(But if you want the real grade…)