Worst of 2004 Awards

We'll be perfectly honest with you – there were worse games released in 2004 that could have easily snagged the 10 spot. But when it comes to size, few can compare with the enormous debacle that was DRIV3R.

We're not sure what sucked more – the numerous gameplay bugs, the crummy graphics and control or the bribery scandals that clouded its release. Or maybe we're just pissed that they didn't include GR in the bribery ring. We would have done it for cheap. At any rate, DRIV3R serves as a reminder that you're only as good as your latest crappy game.

Tap, tap, tap. Tap. Tap, tap. Tap…tap…tap.

Four years. 48 months. 1,460 days. That's how long developers have to create new games based on the Summer Olympics.

Please explain, then, why Athens 2004 features gameplay that hasn't changed in twenty years. Can't? Neither can we, which is part of the reason why this is the ninth worst game released in 2004. If we wanted to play Track 'N Field, we'd download it. Or better yet, we'd kill ourselves.

In a desperate attempt to cash in on both the music game craze and imaginary urban dimwits entranced by any font made to resemble graffiti, Eidos raided their diminishing coffers to throw bling at the craptacular raptastrophe, Get On Da Mic.

We don't know where to start with this broken record. The lyrics were screwed up, the voice-recognition software was screwed up, and the licensed songs themselves were screwed up. They didn't even get the censoring right. We, however, will. F### this game, b####.

Some games are unfit for public consumption, but only a very special game is unfit for private consumption, too. Soldner is that special game, and by special, we of course mean 'retarded.'

Soldner is supposed to be an online shooter in the vein of the great Battlefield series, but this bomb's gimpy engine and horrible slew of programming bugs make it ripe for loathing. To its one credit, Soldner was barely released in North America and therefore very few of our compatriots suffered through its wretched war, keeping it chained firmly to the number 7 slot.

How low can you go?

Call us prudish, but the moronic toilet humor of Vivendi's stinkbomb that is Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude had our gag reflex working overtime. It wasn't enough for the developers to completely destroy the game's solid adventure legacy with lamebrain writing and humor that made the Man Show look like Shakespeare; they had to demolish the gameplay, too (we barely enjoyed Tapper the first time around). Be reponsible, remove the beer goggles and don't waste a night with this cheap date.

When the world's foremost designer of creepy action figures sets out to make a game, two words come to mind: dark and scary. When it turns out that the game is McFarlane's Evil Prophecy, two more words spring to mind: conniving and bastards.

Remember Gauntlet? Then don't get within a stone's throw of this incomprehensible cluster of code, because it will ruin your pleasant memories of hacking and slashing with its dreary look and dull gameplay. We didn't think this kind of game could be done so badly. Well done.

The first rule of Fight Club is to never, ever play Fight Club. We broke this rule in order to review it and have been paying for our transgression ever since.

You do one thing in Fight Club – you fight – and yet they miraculously made that the worst part of the game. Well, it's the worst part of the game if you discount the story, music and engine.

You are not the games you play. Damn, we hope that's true.

We usually hear about Star Trek games before they show up at the office, but Star Trek: Shattered Universe appeared out of thin air as if beamed straight from the Enterprise.

After one level, we tried unsuccessfully to beam it back.

From its terrible gameplay to its broken missions, does this game suck. It sucks so bad, the publishers didn't want to tell us about it before they sent it along because that would be admitting that they had anything to do with it. Boldly snags the number 3 spot!

We can't say we were surprised when, after one evening spent with Catwoman, Ben declared it the worst game of the year.

It is…almost. The only reason Catwoman didn't scurry off with that award is because we felt a little bad for it. After all, it's yet another victim of the Curse of the Video Game License, albeit the most heinous victim we've ever seen. The control? Atrocious. The gameplay? Laughable. The fact that it makes you acquire 'Bling'? Unforgivable. Even Halle Berry's well-rendered ass couldn't save this hairball from the litterbox.

You turn it on thinking it's a game for your Nintendo DS. It looks like a game. It feels like a game. It smells really bad, but you figure most games smell bad, so it must smell like a game, right?

Except it is not a game. It is Sprung, and it is the Worst Game of 2004 because it has turned your DS into a LIE.

To truly appreciate the sheer ineptitude of Sprung, you have to understand the very elements that constitute something being a video game. It must have things to do. It must make you accomplish increasingly difficult tasks and reward you for your efforts. In short, it must contain gameplay.

Sprung is bereft of these qualities, instead presenting the unsuspecting gamer with an 'interactive story' ripped straight out of Saved By The Bell: The College Years. Provided you have the audacity to stare at this train wreck of a game for longer than an instant, you'll figure out that you read Sprung – you do not play it. Repeat: You do not play it.

But ultimately, even this sad story has a happy ending. If you're going to be bad at something, might as well be the Worst. Our hats off to the winner!