by Brian Gee

And when it comes to spending money, few compare to the die-hard geeks that make the gaming community such an exciting, pocket-protected place to work.

Microsoft, for instance, is planning to spend 500 million dollars to promote the X-box. 500 MILLION! What can you do with $500,000,000.00? You could:

(1) Buy a small country, like, say, Belgium.
(2) Purchase enough 2-ply toilet paper to last you and your family several lifetimes.
(3) Buy several lifetimes.
(4) Make me a very happy man.

You could also just go out and buy 500 things worth 1 million dollars each. Talk about a shopping spree.

Over at the top secret Game Revolution think tank, our experts figured that Microsoft could spend a measly 2 million on TV and print ads alone and would still sell as many X-boxes as with their current budget, just based on the inevitable hype and press coverage. Plus they could give the remaining 498 million to their good friends over at Game Revolution, who would be happy to write nothing but glowing reviews. See, even we have a price!

Then again, what's 500 mil to a technological giant like Microsoft? I mean, if Bill and crew want to spend 500 million dollars designing a better grilled cheese sandwich, who am I to argue - especially if (when) they end up turning that sandwich into a huge, slobbering profit.

What really gets me ranting is when I see individual gamers, the frame that supports the structure of the gaming community, throw their money away due to an unhealthy addiction to games. Far be it from me to tell people what they can and cannot buy, but take a gander at a current trend in online geek buying.

Thanks to our friends over at Penny Arcade, it was brought to my attention that fanatics of the ever-popular Diablo 2 have been selling in-game items (like weapons, characters, and accounts) at auction sites for money. Real money - not five hundred million pieces of Diablo gold. People are actually paying cash money, skrilla, Benjamins, lettuce, bread, moolah, dineros, and cheddar for what basically amounts to a few lines of code.

"Silks of the Victor" is an Ancient Armor from the game. This item has 225 defense points, adds +2 light, +1 to all skills, and 5% mana per hit. The first bid on eBay was a mere 5 bucks, but at the time of closing it had a high bid of $61.00. Wow. Someone out there is willing to pay as much for this one item as they paid for the game itself, plus a steak dinner AND dessert. Don't believe me?

Hmmm…I wonder if someone out there is also willing to purchase my "Putrid Socks of Disease." They add +100 to defense, add poison damage with every hit, and are guaranteed to give your character athlete's foot.

If I had a hammer...

Then another recent eBay auction was advertising for a Diablo 2 "Beast Bludgeon" Battle Hammer. The bidding started at one George Washington. Forty-one bids later the auction ended. What was the final price? Are you familiar with two men named Ulysses S. Grant and James Madison? You may know that Mr. Grant happens to appear on the fifty dollar note. What you might not know is that the esteemed Mr. Madison graces the five thousand dollar note (there's some Millionaire trivia for you). That's right, the "Beast Bludgeon" Battle Hammer went for $5,050! Note how close that is to "5150."

And it only gets "better." Yet another eBay auction was held for a level 47 Cleric in the popular online game Everquest. The bidding for this item began at a mere 50 bucks. Shortly thereafter, pure gaming insanity broke loose and took its powerful stranglehold on two particular bidders. The two were engaged in a good old fashioned bidding war, locked in financial and spiritual combat that would shake the online auction house to its very foundation. When the dust finally cleared, there was a victor. Two men enter, one man leaves… minus a comically obscene $15,099.99. Imagine the kind of Microsoft sandwich you could buy with that kind of dough.

Now if you're a stunning intellect like myself, you're probably thinking that something has got to be wrong. Very wrong. Very, very wrong.

So playing the part of an underpaid private investigator, I opened up the super-sleuth detective kit I got for my seventh birthday, donned my thinking cap, and decided to reach out and touch someone. Two someones, in fact: the high bidder and seller of this level 47 Everquest Cleric. In order to protect all parties, I have decided to change their names. The bidder will now be known as Bob and the seller… I shall call him Mini-Me.

Bob was the first to respond to my hails. When asked if he had actually purchased the Cleric for the obviously retarded amount of $15,099.99, Bob responded that the seller had backed out. Really. Who in their right mind would turn down 15 grand for a video game character? Apparently no one, as I soon found out when Mini-Me got back to me. He told me that Bob was a big fake (of course) and that the genuine high bid was $200. Ah, what a deal!

Indeed, the same fake bid situation likely took place in the aforementioned Case of the Overpriced Battle Hammer, which probably didn't sell for 5 grand. I tried to contact both seller and buyer, but neither got back to me, probably because they were too busy playing Diablo 2.

Even our very own Duke Ferris has personally run across this auction house madness. While playing Ultima Online, he ran across a character he hadn't seen in awhile. After exchanging pleasantires, he learned that it was not actually the player he thought it was, but someone who had purchased the account for 600 dollars. And they say you can't buy friends.

I can go on and on, but you've really gotta see this for yourself. When you get a free moment, try searching for Asheron's Call or Everquest on auction sites like eBay or Yahoo. The terror will strike deep within your heart, as it did mine. I think I can speak for everyone in the free world when I say that spending real, tangible money on a series of 1'and 0's that represent merely a weapon or character in a game is totally absurd. Let us remember that all of these items are available if you own the game. They are just little bits of code locked away in the dark recess of the software, or in the case of online play, the server.

With time, effort and a lot of patience, you too can have your very own "Beast Bludgeon" or a level 47 Cleric…for FREE! Here's the secret: all you have to do is play the game. If these people would just sit down and play the game long enough, they are bound to come across that Glittering Jock Strap of Destruction or become that level 900 Elf with blue… no, no…gray eyes.

Let me reiterate that I am in no way against selling your online character or the Orange Glyph Of Compulsive Cleanliness. If someone's willing to buy something, there's no reason someone else shouldn't sell it. There's also no reason anyone should buy this crap, which I guess is all I'm trying to say. And since there's nothing I can do about it, I might as well join the fun. I've got a scheme so dastardly, it just might work!

Here's the plan. First, I'm going to send in the GR team of Bothan spies to infiltrate the Blizzard compound. Then I'm going to find out exactly how to unlock all these marvelous weapons that everyone is looking for and begin mass production. From there I will head to eBay and make a fortune. Hahaha! Hooray for capitalism and people willing to shell out a grand for my Flaming Armadillo Scale of Wrath! I think I'll use the money to save the world. Either that or I'll buy a sandwich, a grilled cheese sandwich, before the price gets too high.

Before eating sandwich, please make sure DirectX7 is installed in your mouth.

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